Metalhead Mutants
by Descendent
Summary: The Brotherhood decide to take a camping trip in the woods. Once there, they meet some unexpected guests. Just som randomness that popped into my head and wouldn't go away.


Metal Mutants  
  
Well, I haven't done a one shot in a while and I thought with the advent of Autumn Fun coming up soon, I decided to pop one out. Oh… that sounded really wrong… Oh well. On with the show.   
  
Summary: Our merry mutants meet Metallica on a camping trip. Hey, don't laugh. It could happen. At least in my sick and twisted mine it could. By the by, I don't own Metallica…but oh if I did…  
  
********************  
  
Bayville Woods  
  
"Who's bright idea was this?" Wanda muttered as she trudged through the woods with a backpack on.  
  
"Your brothers." Lance muttered under his breath.   
  
"And why do we listen to him?" Wanda asked.  
  
"Because we want to join Magneto's new group…" Lance sighed.  
  
"Why do we want to do that again?" Toad asked simply.  
  
"Because I like to eat food that isn't from a dumpster." Blob said simply.  
  
"Huh. Like that ever made a difference." Pietro said as he walked by. (That's right, walked.)  
  
"So Pietro, why are we in the woods again?" Lance asked.  
  
"Its an exercise to build up team unity." Pietro said simply.  
  
"How?" Wanda asked. "Are we supposed to learn how to kill you as a team?"  
  
"Funny girl." Pietro quipped.  
  
"I think she brings up a valid point." Toad said simply.  
  
"Toad, it's Wanda. You'd agree with her even if she was wrong." Lance said.  
  
"You wanna tell her she's wrong?" Blob said as Wanda trudged ahead.  
  
"Good point." Lance said as he watched Wanda knock down a large tree with her hex powers."  
  
********************  
  
In the same woods, on the opposite end  
  
"Who's bright idea was this? James Hetfield, Guitarist and singer for METALLICA! asked as he trudged through the woods.  
  
"Take a guess." Kirk Hammet, Lead Guitarist said as he downed another beer.  
  
"Damn it Lars! Why are we doing this?" James asked as he popped open another beer.  
  
"Because we, like, need to, like, build up band unity in order for us to, like, write our new album…" Lars said as he walked up to them.  
  
"Hey guys… A little help…" Came the weak cry of Rob Trujillo as he carried all of Metallica's bags on his back.  
  
"Silence Whelp!" Lars shouted as he pulled out as whip and let it crack above Rob's head.   
  
"Yes massa!" Rob said weakly as he continued to struggle onward.  
  
"I knew he would come in handy." James said as he drank his beer.  
  
"Man. Jason would never take this crap." Kirk said to Lars who nodded.   
  
"Why do you think I chose him?" Lars said as he bobbed his head back and forth.  
  
"I can't believe I left Ozzy for this…" Rob muttered as he continued to struggle up the hill.  
  
"SILENCE!" Lars shouted.  
  
********************  
  
In the middle of the open field  
  
"Finally, we're here." Lance said as he put his bag down and stretched out.  
  
"Hey, Pietro?" Wanda asked as she turned to her Brother.  
  
"Yes?" Pietro asked as he began to set up camp, or rather oversee Blob as Blob began to set up camp.  
  
"I thought you rented this place for us alone, that way we wouldn't have to deal with Anti-mutant creeps?"  
  
"I did." Pietro said simply.  
  
"Then who are they?" Wanda asked as she pointed to Metallica, who were sitting on logs drinking beers while Rob set up their campsite.  
  
"Oh. My. God." Lance said in shock. "THAT'S METALLICA!"  
  
"It can't be?" Toad asked in shock. "Why would they be here? It's a strange coincidence indeed."  
  
"Hey Lars? I thought we had this plane to ourselves." Kirk said as he pointed at the mutants who were freaking out.  
  
"Aw crap. I thought I did." Lars said simply.   
  
"Well, better go see what's up." James said as he walked over with Kirk and the others. "Hey, what's up?" James asked as he walked over to the Brotherhood.  
  
"You. Are. GODS!" Lance said as he and Toad fell to their knees and covered their faces.   
  
"We are not worthy! We are not worthy!" Toad and Lance shouted together as they worshiped METALLICA!  
  
"Yea. We know." Kirk said simply.   
  
"I can't believe it Blob said simply. "James Hetfield, Kirk Hammet, Lars Ulrich, and… um, uh…who are you?" Blob asked as he came to Rob.  
  
"Bob Trujillo, former bassist for Ozzy." Rob said simply.  
  
"Nope. Doesn't ring a bell." Blob said as he shook his head.  
  
"I'm Metallica's new bassist?" Rob asked.  
  
"Good for you." Blob said like he was speaking to a child.  
  
"I left Ozzy for this?" Rob mumbled.  
  
"So what are you dude's doing here? And more importantly who are you?" Kirk asked.  
  
"We're part of an elite mutant group that work for a megalomaniac that wants to rule the world. Right now we're here trying to build up team unity so we can help him conquer your pathetic species." Pietro said simply.  
  
"Cool." Lars said as he bobbed his head back and forth.  
  
"Same here." James said simply. "Only our group calls itself the "Recording Industry". And we're not mutants."   
  
"I don't know have you guys seen "Orgy" or "Prince"?" Wanda asked.  
  
"She brings up a valid point." James said as he took a sip from his beer.  
  
"Agreed." Lars said.  
  
"So the recording industry is really trying to take over the world?" Pietro asked.  
  
"Trying? We already own it baby." Lars said simply.  
  
"I thought there was something fishy with them." Wanda said aloud. "19 buck's for a CD my ass."  
  
"Damn strait. How else are we going to pay the politicians to look the other way while we do our criminal activities." James said simply.   
  
"What kind of activities?" Toad asked.  
  
"Wouldn't you like to know?" James said with a smile. "So you guys wanna hang out?"  
  
"Sure. We can hang out with Metallica…" Lance said in a weak voice.  
  
"Yea." Toad said simply.  
  
"WE ARE NOT WORTHY! WE ARE NOT WORTHY!" They began chanting as they fell back to their knees.  
  
"I love this gig." Lars said simply.  
  
********************  
  
Later that night…  
  
"So "Enter Sandman" is actually about your former girlfriend's kid?" Pietro asked.  
  
"Yep. Damn little basterd drove me insane." Kirk said simply. "Hated the little basterd. Wanted to throw him into a crater. Speaking of Craters, you crate earthquakes?" Kirk asked turning to Lance.  
  
"Only when I'm angry." Lance said simply.  
  
"That is so cool." Lars said simply. "Your like and angry Earthquake."  
  
"What the hell did you just say?" Lance asked.   
  
"We really don't know with Lars. Its best to just nod your head and agree." James explained.   
  
"You. Are a walking earthquake." Lars pointed out with a smile.  
  
"And you have the body of a saint as well." Kirk said simply. The others all just stared at him in shock. "Oops…"  
  
"That does explain so much." James said simply as he sipped his beer.  
  
"The nail polish should have been you're first clue." Toad said simply  
  
"Hmm… St. Anger. I think we found Lance a new name." Blob said simply.  
  
"Yea." Toad nodded in agreement.  
  
"St. Anger. Hmmm… I like the sound of that. Lars, are thinking what I'm thinking?" James asked.  
  
"I think so, but how are we going to paint the elephants blue and get them to wear tutu's?" Lars asked.  
  
"Is he always like this?" Wanda asked.  
  
"Unfortunately. The whole Napster stick was his idea as well. The real reason he did it was because his computer wasn't compatible with the program so he couldn't use it." James explained.  
  
"And if Lars can't have something, no on can." Kirk added.  
  
"Wait, you guys are rich. He couldn't go out and buy another computer?" Pietro asked.  
  
"That would require effort." Lars said simply as he nodded his head back and forth.  
  
"And launching a Crusade doesn't?" Toad asked in shock.  
  
"Not when your filthy rich." Lars smiled.  
  
"How do you sleep at night?" Blob asked.  
  
"On a pile of money with many beautiful women." Lars said simply.  
  
"Damn." Lance said simply.  
  
"Is it true that if I kill you, I become you?" Blob asked as he cracked his knuckles.  
  
"Nope." Kirk said simply.  
  
"ROCK AND ROLL!" Rob shouted.  
  
"Why don't you go sit in the corner?" Lars said simply as Rob hung his head as sat down.  
  
"You have him trained remarkable well." Wanda said simply.  
  
"Comes with the territory." James said with a smile.  
  
(Shuffle)  
  
What the hell was that?" Blob asked as the bushes russled.  
  
"It could be a g-g-ghost…" Lars said as he jumped into James arms.  
  
"Ah! Save me!" Pietro shouted as he hid behind Blob.  
  
"It is the thing that should not be!" Kirk shouted.  
  
"Quit it with the shameless self plugs!" Lance stated.  
  
"All I know is that I'm too young to die!" Lars screamed. The others stared at him awkwardly.  
  
"RUN FOR IT!" James shouted as Metallica ran away faster than Pietro.  
  
"Hi guys." Wanda said as she came out of the bushes after Metallica ran away. "Where did Metallica go? She was answered with a chorus of dirty looks. "What?"  
  
"Way to go Wanda…" Lance muttered.  
  
"What was that!" Wanda screamed.  
  
"Crap." Lance said as Wanda began to chase him around.  
  
"Man am I glad that's not me for once." Pietro said simply.  
  
********************  
  
Well I hope you all enjoyed the insanity. Yea I know, it seems a little far fetched, but hey, its fan fiction.  
  
Peace out,  
  
Descendent 


End file.
